


I Insist

by Brorifles (Kyloisadisneyprincess)



Series: Crossed Stars [16]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kallus bothers his own bruises, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Zeb thinks back to after lasan, im sad, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 04:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9418886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyloisadisneyprincess/pseuds/Brorifles
Summary: Working out the particulars is never easy.





	

The memories start flooding in after Hoth. Kallus feels that he often wakes years older. The scars on his body start to call out with their own stories. Thrawn had taken many memories of the happiness he found with Zeb and from what was left he knew their relationship was not perfect. But he was willing to try again. The love they had must have been worth the sacrifices he had made for it. It would be a waste to throw it all away now.

Believing in their love doesn’t stop the nightmares or after when he wakes shaking expecting to find the bruises. He dreams of blows that only could have come from Zeb. He knows that he let Zeb hit him for the sake of his cover when he was behind enemy lines. But it didn't make them hurt less. 

He sees himself framed in a small regulation miror aboard the Chimera. Purple and blue blooming on his shoulder and above his left cheekbone. And he smiles? Force are they… Is he that hopelessly in love that even the marks of violence left on his body are precious? But then he remembers the loneliness and how he would work himself too hard in order to agitate the marks, he wanted to keep them longer, extend the reminder a few more days.

Those thoughts don’t keep him from flinching away when he’s woken from dreams that are particularly bad. He remembers Onderon and thinks the worst is over. He wasn’t ready for lasan. Luck has it happen when He and Zeb are sparing, hand to hand, he has the faint feeling that his lover is going easy on him. Then it hits he loses his concentration and Zeb has him pinned to the mat. 

He tries but he can’t draw his breath back in. Complete chaos surrounds him, the rubble, the screaming, the illegal weapon in his hand.  _ I did this, I did this, I did this....  _

Zeb is trying to shake him awake, to bring him back up for air.  _ Air. _ He forces himself to breath.

“Onderon again?” Zeb questions.

Kallus looks at him blankly. Onderon is nothing next to this. He pulls away wraps his arms around his knees, “Lasan.” the word comes out in a croak. Zeb is looking down at his hands in his lap. 

“Try to focus on what you're doing now. You made the right choice, eventually. Which is more than most.” Zeb has wandered away from him and is pulling on his shirt. They’re done then. 

Kallus squeezes his eyes shut “too late.” he murmurs. 

Zeb’s back dips as he exhales, he heard. The lasat is still facing away from him. It still hurts. It always will. He wishes they were strong enough to comfort each other. 

“I love ya.” Zeb tries, his right ear picks up and swivels in Kallus’s direction, expecting the reciprocation.

“I..” Kallus starts.”You..” the sound dies in his throat, all he can hear is disruptor fire. He presses his face into his knees  “You should not.”

Zeb’s breath is stuttered this time and he clenches at his wrist wraps before storming out.

\---

Captain Garazeb Orrelios didn’t like to run but that’s what he was doing. The rebellion was like that sometimes, always on the move.   _ Why? Why? _ Things had been going good. They had moved in together for kriffs sake. Why had Kallus said that to him? Zeb pauses and leans against the door to the Ghost’s common room. 

“Everything ok there big guy?” Sabine is inside her paints laid out in front of her. She’s still working on the final touches of the phoenix squad emblem.

“Yeah.” He winces as the word come out just a bit too forcefully and Sabine raises her eyebrows at him. “No” he corrects himself before wandering over to sit at the table booth.

“Where’s Kal?”  _ Karabast.  _ He had left him alone after a flash back. What was he thinking?

“He’s in the training room, do you think you could check on him for me?” 

“I’ll do it!” Ezra pipes up. He must have been in listening from the hall. Chopper rolls in after him. “What do you mean ‘ not if you get there first’ I’m definitely faster than you.” They dash off. With the two of them Kallus is going to get more comedic relief than damage control.

“That bad, huh?” Sabine slides into the booth beside him. “What was it?”

“He had a flashback.” Zeb says “Lasan.” he clarifies. When Sabine doesn't respond he feels compelled to continue. “ I didn’t know what to do. So, I just told him I loved him.” Zeb pauses. “He, didn’t say it back.” 

Sabine winces. “So, what did he say? Nothing?” she prompts.

The words replay in his head, resonating with a thousand insecurities.  _ You shouldn’t. _ It’s too close to what he told himself in the years after the massacre.  _ You shouldn’t have lived Captain Orrelios. You shouldn’t have survived when they didn’t. You shouldn't have failed them. You shouldn’t have the luxury of the air you breathe now.  _

“He told me that I shouldn’t love him.” Zeb almost can’t get the words out. He’s hurt, offended that Kallus would take what little Zeb could muster up and throw it back in his face.

Sabine is thinking, she traces over the lines of the dejarik table with her fingers. 

“Have I made a mistake?” Zeb continues, he can’t keep the thoughts idle in his head ”We all knew this wasn’t going to be easy but what does he want!? I’ve already given him my mercy, forgiveness, love, space in my bunk!” Zeb is up and pacing now. “And it’s not as though any of  that was easy for me! I wanted so much to kill him those first few minutes we were trapped.” But then Kallus had turned out to be so, convicted and infuriatingly wrong. He was far from innocent, but ignorant all the same. Zeb had never expected the Agent to be so soft, so malleable that the small amount of time they spent together had changed him. 

“But you didn’t hurt him.” Sabine coaxes.

“I didn’t.” Zeb mellows.

“And now he’s yours.” Sabine states matter of factly.  _ What? _ He doesn’t think of Kallus like that. They are friends and lovers. Kallus isn’t just some spoil of war. “You ARE possessive of him.” Sabine reinforces. She’s right about that. Zeb would protect him from anything. 

“So what? Kallus has just been using me as some kind of safety net with benefits?!” He questions.

"No Zeb, he loves you. He just hates himself."  _ Oh,  _ The situation comes into focus. _ I’m taking an insult he made for himself and making it mine.  _ Kallus feels as guilty about their relationship as Zeb felt about life after the fall of Lasan.  _ But I didn’t just stop living,  _ Zeb thinks. _ And I won’t let what we have die. _

**Author's Note:**

> Just so everyone knows. This is the second to last part. I *may* add to the beginning eventually but I don’t have any plans. I’m thinking of doing an AU next, one where lasan never falls and Kallus is captured, probably M or E rated I need to stretch myself.


End file.
